Innocent Girl

 

To say one is mad with love is a redundancy.

Love is already madness.

—Heine, "Shakespeare's Women"

 

"I'm hooome…"

"Welcome back."

I called back toward the entrance, but Chryse didn't even poke her head into the living room. She went straight to her own room. The door shut with a hollow click.

"… She's got it bad."

It had been several days since Ara confessed to Nina. Chryse had been like this the entire time.

Chryse probably had feelings for Ara. Watching him confess to another woman right in front of her, of course she'd be crushed. Whether she was better or worse off than Innis, who knew nothing of the whole affair and was cheerfully absorbed in her research as usual, I couldn't say.

"I'm going to go talk to Chryse for a bit."

"… Mm."

And speaking of being down in the dumps, Nina was the same.

Normally she'd scold me with something like "don't go doing anything unnecessary," but she just answered curtly, her mind clearly elsewhere.

"Nina."

"Mnyah…! What!?"

I grabbed her cheek and gave it a good, firm pull. Oh my. It stretched quite a lot. Even after living for over a thousand years, her cheeks were as soft as a baby's. Elves really are something.

"… Stop it. I'm not in the mood for that right now."

Nina swatted my hand away and lowered her eyes.

"Nina. Are you happy right now?"

"… What do you mean?"

she asked in a listless voice.

"I don't mean anything that deep. If you've got enough work to keep you from getting bored each day, you don't have to worry about where your next meal is coming from, and there's nothing you desperately want to change or any suffering you can't bear… I'd call that happiness. Wouldn't you?"

"Well… if that's what you mean, then I'm not… suffering, I guess."

"Then isn't that enough?"

"… Is it?"

Her blue eyes finally met mine.

She stared at me intently, as if trying to gauge my true intentions.

"I'm happy, at least. The way things are now."

I placed my hand on Nina's head and stroked her hair.

Nina let out a faint breath and accepted it.

"… Well then. I suppose I'll go console our little princess."

"Don't go saying anything unnecessary."

When I let go and said that, the scolding came right on cue, and I nodded with a smile.

 

＊　＊　＊

 

"Chryse, got a minute?"

"Wha— j-just a moment please!"

When I knocked on the door, I heard a flurry of rustling from inside.

"C-come in!"

"Pardon the intrusion. Sorry, were you changing?"

I asked as I opened the door, but Chryse was still in the same clothes she'd left the house in.

"N-no! I'm fine!"

She shook her head vigorously, but her eyes kept darting in a certain direction. Specifically, under the bed.

… Should I pretend I didn't notice?

Things you hide under the bed… the classic answer would be, well, that. Dirty books. Chryse was at that age, so it wouldn't be strange for her to take an interest… at that age? When exactly is "that age" for Chryse? Now that I thought about it, she was nearly a hundred years old, but she looked about fourteen.

Well, either way, it wouldn't be unusual. But what I was actually curious about was what she had hidden under there, because Scarlet didn't have movable type printing yet.

In this world, where the Spirit Principle held sway, automation of any kind was exceptionally difficult. Movable type itself shouldn't be that technically challenging, so I'd tried it when we developed paper, but it never worked properly and I'd given up.

That meant books were still expensive, and mass-market magazines didn't exist… or so I thought. But technology marches on. It wouldn't be strange if someone had invented such things without my knowledge.

"Th-there's nothing there!?"

Perhaps noticing my gaze, Chryse spread her arms wide and shielded the bed behind her. That was completely counterproductive, wasn't it…?

"Ah! N-no, you can't come out!"

I was wondering what to do, the option to pretend I hadn't noticed well and truly gone now, when a stuffed animal crawled out from under the bed and Chryse shouted at it.

"Ah… You picked up another one, didn't you."

I realized my mistake. What Chryse had been hiding wasn't risque illustrations you'd be embarrassed to show in public; it was the kind of thing that gets you told "take it back where you found it."

And moreover, it was the soul-only variety.

"Uuu… please don't tell Nina…"

"Because she'd tell you to put it back where it came from, right?"

Ever since discovering the existence of souls through magic, Chryse had shown a keen interest in them. She'd eventually created a spell that could perceive souls without moonlight, and now she was researching the souls of all sorts of creatures.

According to her, souls varied wildly in size, strength, and color depending on the creature. At first she'd apparently been trying to trace her own origins this way, but since a soul's brilliance differed so much between individuals even within the same species, it proved completely useless as a reference.

"What soul is it today?"

"An armored bear…"

While studying the souls of wild creatures, she sometimes encountered animals on the verge of death. And occasionally, she'd bring their souls home.

"Honestly, Nina's right that it's better to release them right away…"

I didn't know where the souls of the dead go. Whether they ascend to heaven, return to the earth, reincarnate as I did, or simply cease to exist.

What I did know was that nearly everyone besides me… the vast majority of living things… carried no memories of a previous life. And if that was the case, then whatever happened to them wasn't much different from simply ceasing to exist.

"That may be so, but… this one said it still wanted to live, so I just…"

With a mournful expression, Chryse let the hopping stuffed animal nuzzle against her hand.

"Can you understand the words of souls?"

"Only vaguely."

Either way, it wouldn't last forever. The souls Chryse brought home always faded eventually. Whether that was because they found peace or because the magic wore off, I couldn't say.

"But I see. So that's why you've been so quiet lately. Here I thought it was because you'd been heartbroken over Ara…"

By the time I realized I'd let it slip, it was too late. Chryse's expression darkened visibly.

"S-sorry. That was insensitive."

"No, that's… it's true, I did like Ara."

Chryse furrowed her brows, her expression conflicted.

"But when I saw him confessing to Mom, I sort of… lost those feelings entirely."

"Ahh…"

Chryse's feelings had probably been faint, closer to admiration than anything else.

Given more time, they might have blossomed into something greater, but unfortunately, they'd been cruelly scattered before they ever had the chance.

"More than that… finding out that Dad and Mom… don't actually love each other… that was the bigger shock."

Clutching the armored bear stuffed animal tight, Chryse voiced what was really on her mind.

"You've told me so many times that you're not married, but… even so, I thought there was a special bond between you and Mom… I thought you cared for each other."

I sat down beside her and stroked her hair, now completely dyed pink.

"Yeah. You're not wrong about that."

Chryse peered up at me, half-doubtful.

"But the 'love' between me and Nina is a little complicated."

Now then, how to explain this.

"… You know that I was married before, right?"

"Yes. To Ai and Yuuki."

I thought for a moment before broaching the subject, and Chryse nodded. I'd told her about those two several times before, and she'd likely heard about them from Yuuka and Nina as well.

"They were both human. They passed away in less time than you've been alive. They loved me as though… burning through their short lives for it."

Seventy-nine and fifty-four years old. Such tragically short lives. If they could have used the anti-aging magic that Innis uses, I wonder how things might have turned out.

"Nina watched all of that from right beside me."

"Do you mean she's holding back because of them?"

I shook my head at Chryse's question.

"Long ago, there was an elf in this village named Aquamarine."

"Yuuka's mother, right?"

So she knew about that too. I didn't recall telling her myself, so she must have heard it from Yuuka.

"When an elf weds a human, their lifespan shortens to match. About fifty years after giving birth to Yuuka, Aquamarine passed away… She hadn't known that beforehand, but she said that even if she had, she'd still have loved Yutaka and given birth to Yuuka. She said it with a smile."

Strength comes in many forms, but…

Now that I think about it, she may have been the strongest of all my students.

"How deep do you think that love was?"

"… I don't know."

Chryse answered honestly.

"Neither do I. I'm a dragon. Even if Nina were to be with me, she probably wouldn't lose her lifespan. So… I don't understand. Neither I nor Nina do. —A love so strong you'd be willing to give your life for it."

That was something I'd been pondering ever since thirty-five years ago, when I'd lost sight of my own origins and Nina had lit a fire under me.

Did I like Nina? I did. Did I love her? I did. It wasn't the kind of affection I'd deflected to Mel before, the bond you feel toward siblings or family.

Unless I was badly mistaken, Nina and I both loved each other romantically… or so I thought.

But it was a gentle love. Like floating on a calm sea. Like dozing in the shade of a tree swaying in the breeze. Not the kind of love that scorches you like fire, that wears you raw like a wind of longing, that you can't help but chase.

"Nina can't acknowledge that as love. She could never say she loves me, not if her life depended on it."

She'd watched Ai from closer than anyone. Perhaps even closer than I had, being a woman herself.

That's why she couldn't forgive herself. For not being able to feel something stronger than what Ai had felt.

I'd never heard her say it outright, but I was fairly sure that was what it came down to.

"But… wouldn't that be painful for Mom?"

"No. If it were painful, that would actually be fine. The problem is that it's not."

Chryse tilted her head at my words.

"What do you mean?"

"Being in pain means you're dissatisfied with the way things are. In other words, it means you want to be closer. It means you care that much."

Nina had said she was happy. I didn't think those words were a lie.

It wasn't that she lacked the courage to take the next step — she was genuinely, purely content with the relationship as it was.

"But that's not how we are. Well, I suppose from the outside, our relationship might seem strange."

That was probably why Nina tried so hard to hide her feelings for me.

"But that's what we are."

"… Honestly, I still don't really understand."

Chryse furrowed her brows, serious, and peered into my face.

"But Dad and Mom really do love each other a lot, and you're happy being together, right?"

"Yeah. That's what I believe, at least."

When I answered that, Chryse's face lit up.

"I'll go ask Mom t—"

"Hold on. If you're going to ask her, at least wait until things have cooled down a bit. Pick a random moment."

If she went and asked right now, it'd be painfully obvious I'd been talking about this.

"Awww."

Chryse pouted, but reluctantly agreed.

"… Well, knowing Mom's personality, she probably wouldn't admit it honestly if I asked her right now anyway."

"Probably not."

With that, the two of us shared a laugh.

"Oh, and please keep it a secret that I've been calling her Mo—"

That was when it happened.

The frantic clanging of a bell came ringing through the air.